my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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