every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
