My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
