I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
