At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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