I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
