why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
