I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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