new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
being pregnant is like rehab
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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