Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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