I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
