he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
