Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
