I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
