Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
