Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
