I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
