he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
