mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
well you can't waste a boner
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
