Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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