so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
