Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
