the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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