I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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