I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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