"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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