He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
