I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
