I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
