for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
