I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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