Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
