i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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