Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
