I feel great
I just peed on a car
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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