Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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