Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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