Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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