I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
