Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
