6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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