don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
