how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
