I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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