Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Randomize
