I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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