I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
