u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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