I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
