When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My ass is underappreciated
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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