I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she smelled like a LAN party
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize