Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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