If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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