a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
