I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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