Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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