I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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