My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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