Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize