You're completely useless in the revolution.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
