Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
