Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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