I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
