watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize